another life? or for this first time, my life

 I've been coming across alot of media about living a alternative life style i.e summer strike, studio ghibili movies, little forest and murakmi influences. One different from my country's version of the American dream. 

i've been thinking about going the opposite direction and not living to tick boxes off the things I need to do in order to be happy, to be fulfilled according to society. 

I think without realizing it, I've been living my  life this way for a long time, crossing out the grocery list of things that will theoratically make me happy. i think i've been doing this maybe because it was safe.. . maybe because i tied my worth to achievements, i suppose growing up as a high achiever at school will do that to you but I'm so tired now. Too tired to go on. I'm exhausted on all accounts. i feel in my bones that i can't live on like this. Something in me refuses to rise again. To try again. Do not call for Lazarus, I will not answer. Do not speak to the dry bones I will not move. I'm so tired Lord, I'm so tired. 

I'm taking time off being here, I'm taking time off living if that is possible. living the way i have been. I'm giving to the slowness that my soul is demanding,  recharging myself, allowing the old me to burn completely and a new self to rise from the ashes. a new me i may not recognize, a new me i may not understand but i will let her live. maybe she knows how to, maybe she knows to be part of this world, how to breathe in sync with the world. i'll let her be and not try keep ghosts alive, i won't sacrifice for safety, i will let her taste the world and be curious about it, be interested, i will allow her to not want more than what the world can give, to not ask questions, to not try and fix what's wrong, to know that i can't and that's okay. to accept that miracles are rare and they happen to a particular kind of people. to just be here and ask for nothing else.


I will now accept myself for who i am,  i will listen to my inner being and define life for myself. i will tend to my grief and give life my best. i will try and water my life. i create a world i love, something i won't run away from but something i enjoy waking up to. 

At the end of it all, I hope to come out a person who knows how to live for themselves, a person who doesn't apologize for existing and someone is happy no, content with their life, even if it looks nothing like everybody  else's or nothing that i thought it would. 

wish me luck

xx

dailess